Letters to: Ask Uncle Charlie.

Ask Uncle Charlie.

Dear Uncle Charlie,
It’s about my brother and his wife. Actually, it’s about him, his wife and his two Persian cats and a gray parrot named Archimedes.
It’s about them all when they come to visit our home. The problem is when my brother and his ‘Animal-rights’ wife come to visit, they almost always bring their two fat cats and the squawking bird. They do transport the kitties in crates but the bird rides on one of their shoulders when coming into our house. As soon as they all come in the singing parrot assumes a perch atop my wife’s antique glass and mahogany curio cabinet. A cabinet handed down from her great-grandmother. And the loquacious talking bird remains up there all during their visit with us. There are two big problems. First of all, my wife is seriously allergic to kitty fur. Fur which seems to shed and float all over our carpet and sofas. After about 20 or 30 minutes my wife’s eyes start to tear up and her neck and inside her elbows start to rash. So, she goes into our master suite bathroom to escape for an untold amount of time. If that isn’t enough the parrot starts to sing Happy birthday in endless rounds. Over and over again. I don’t mind it singing but it sings ‘in squawking parrot monotone. Testing one’s patience and trying one’s best to resist roasting the dumb thing. Then there is the huge bird poop mess where the parrot roosts up on the antique cabinet. Do you see what I am trying to say? They bring these critters without proper notification and permission. I guess this is what Animal-rightists do. What should I do? I wish to be hospitable. Signed, I’m Pissed.
Dear Urinated.,
Yes, I do see what you are getting at. Yes, there animal rights and human rights. The next thing is how to prioritize the rights. Not to mention the rights of the antique curio cabinet. And that of the sofa and carpet. Which rights will trump the other? It will be difficult to decide. However, I suggest removing the antique cabinet from the living area and adopting from a dog rescue organization a very large and often hungry part German Shepard, part Great Dane dog. Best of luck with your brother and sister-in-law.
Uncle Charlie.