Not me and never. Being an old fashioned person and maybe just an old person I only celebrate Lincolns and Washington’s birthdays. Just as I did in grade school back then and up until high school and a few decades beyond. It worked for me and others. And let me make it perfectly clear we had both presidents’ days off school and later when working as well.
None of this Presidents day for me. Mainly because there are a hand full of presidents I wish not to celebrate. And for sure one in particular. The guy with the blond monkey butt hair. He could kiss my waazoo instead. And quite frankly, he is the oozing splatter from the boy cow’s rear.
But anyway I want Lincoln’s and Washington’s Birthday off to celebrate. Never mind I am retired and wouldn’t work those two days in February anyway. So what am I saying. Lincoln and Washington is the only two gents I wish to recognize as nations forefathers and presidents. I would however would possibly swap out Washington for either Obama or Eisenhower. Not really sure.
So no sir! No president’s day for me. Just the two February guys I will wish happy birthday for now. So get out the cake and candles and make a wish.
Dogs that really fly.
This was an article submitted and published by the Chicago Tribune in their Sunday Travel section.
Flying with the Dogs
By Chuck Ayers
February 8, 2004
A helpful American Airlines employee escorts the two of us down the jetway for pre-boarding. Finding our seat, I quickly stow my bag and buckle in for the
flight from San Francisco to Dallas.
Soon after we board, a river of passengers streams onto the jet with laptops and rolling carry-ons–and at least one parent with a child in tow. “Look,
mom!” she exclaims as she passes, no doubt noticing Rickles sitting at my feet.
Rickles, of course, is a dog. But not just any old dog or kid magnet. This blondish looking, 70-pound, 2 1/2-year-old male yellow Labrador retriever with
his own picture I.D. is a professionally trained guide dog–my walking, hiking and flying partner.
Even for a blind person, who is allowed by law to bring a guide dog aboard a scheduled flight at no extra charge, flying with a dog is not something one
just willy-nilly decides to do. In 12 years of flying with guide dogs (Rickles is my third), I have refined my flying techniques. But there will always
be a few hoops a dog and partner must first jump through.
It starts when calling for plane reservations. Besides informing the airline I am blind (I have retinitis pigmentosa–commonly known as RP) and may require
some special assistance, I tell the airline I am flying with a “service dog” and request a bulkhead seat.
Sometimes, of course, there are no such seats available (or they are in an emergency-exit row, where by law I and anyone else who can’t assist in an emergency
are prohibited from sitting), in which case I’ll just have to take my chances when I get to the airport.
I also check what kind of plane is used for a flight and, when possible, will change my schedule to avoid flying on small “regional” jets or turboprops,
which may be too cramped for a guide dog.
Then, for the flight itself, I limit Rickles’ food and water intake about 12 to 18 hours before departure time. This is to reduce the possibility of an
embarrassing “doggie accident” either onboard the flight or while at the airport. But, just in case, I carry paper towels and plastic bags.
When I arrive at the security area I alert the attendant that I am blind and this dog assisting me is a professionally trained service animal.
From that point we walk to a station so I can remove my shoes and then hand over our carry-ons, in which I place my belt and any metal items from my pockets.
Since the metal on Rickles’ harness is likely to trigger the alarm, we do not go through the metal detector together. I send him through first.
Almost every time, in the recent past, the security person wants to pat-down Rickles, despite my puppy’s innocent looking face. Sometimes the security people
crouch down on their knees and get so close to him that they receive a surprise wet lick across the face. Oooo, yuk! Doggie terrorism!
Now let’s consider where a blind person and his puppy sit on an aircraft. The reason I request a bulkhead seat when making a reservation is because bulkheads–the
seats behind the partitions dividing seating sections on an aircraft–offer a guide dog and partner more leg-room and comfort. I also prefer a window seat,
so Rickles has less chance of being stepped on.
When bulkhead seats aren’t available in advance or at the gate, the flight crews usually go out of their way to find suitable seating.
So far, even when I haven’t been able to get a bulkhead seat, I’ve always gotten at least a window or an aisle seat. (Here I must give an unsolicited plug:
Legroom in Coach is better on American Airlines’ full-size jets than on most other carriers–though the airline is now cutting back space on some planes.)
Sometimes I have to fly through an airport “hub,” with a change of planes and/or a layover. If time allows, I will ask for an escort to the outside to locate
a convenient “potty” area for my pup.
But that isn’t always possible. One time, Axle, my first guide dog, and I were flying on a famous discount airline from Los Angeles to my home in Tulsa,
and I didn’t realize how short the layovers would be. We quickly flew to Phoenix, where there was only time to disgorge our Phoenix-bound passengers and
then take on new boarding passengers. The same thing happened in San Antonio. And Houston. And Dallas.
We were on the plane for well over five hours, but Axle’s bladder control was quite heroic, and we made it home without incident. This despite the fact
that two grade-school boys, sitting across the aisle from us and flying alone, threw up every time we took off or landed.
During a flight, I monitor my dog closely. I do have some peripheral vision, but no central vision. I see no color. I see some light coming from bright
windows and some shapeless forms while looking sideways out of the corner of my eye. In the close quarters of the seating area, any sudden movement of
my dog’s torso or head is certainly noticed by me.
But my primary means of knowing how my dog is behaving is through direct contact. When other people are boarding or getting off the aircraft, I usually
have my hand through a leather harness strap that goes around his back and chest. If my dog is in a “sit” position I always have my hand on him or have
him on a “close” leash.
I most certainly have to check my dog’s every move to keep him out of licking or sniffing situations. The harness my dog wears is very stiff, so even when
holding the harness handle I can often tell if his head is turned right or left.
A wagging tail is also a dead giveaway. When my dog’s tail is banging the bulkhead, he is obviously being observed by a solicitous person.
I also get verbal cues from my fellow passengers. When I hear “Dad, he’s looking at me!” or “His face is so adorable!” I can assure you they are not talking
about me.
Each of my three guide dogs has had a different traveling style, ranging from “don’t wake me until we get there, please,” to high anxiety, including body
shakes.
Axle was the “cool guy,” with his laid-back style. Once onboard, he wasted no time claiming his territory, quickly curling up into a snoring fur ball and
remaining that way until the wheels hit the runway.
Darber, my second guide, reminded me of a self-admiring little boy. He seldom remained “seated,” but spent most of the flight standing or sitting up, looking
around to see who was looking at him. He also liked to look out the cabin window, perhaps to check for ice forming on the wings or to look for any passing
UFOs. At times, if he could, he would edge out to inspect the aisle.
Rickles is the nervous one, but he, too, is discovering it’s okay to fly. Early into a recent trip to the West Coast, Rickles was a little shaky. To help
suppress his jitters, I whispered over and over in his ear his most favorite word, “FOOD.” A little back massage helped as well.
As for me, guide dogs provide their own kind of in-flight entertainment. What can be most amusing is the attention my dog receives from adoring flight attendants.
If I had a hundred miles for every time an attendant knelt down on all “fours” and stared in my dog’s sweet face, I would have enough miles to fly to the
moon. With, of course, Rickles at my feet.
Copyright (c) 2004, Chuck Ayers
Things a fourteen-year old boy wouldn’t do.
Especially if your friends see you. You would never want to be seen with your mom unless your guy friends razz you about hanging with “Your Mother.” And you certainly wouldn’t want to be seen with your sister either. Especially if she is much younger. The boys would think you were her babysitter. Not a good thing. And you certainly wouldn’t want them see you going to church. “What are you? Some kind of saint choir boy?” Yes, fourteen-year olds are hard on each other if not mean. Group poo pooing each other is most common and definitely required to be a hateful teen boy. Mostly brutish and profane. Often spitting, belching, and farting. Which is what teen boys are obligated to do in junior high school?
So it happened one day. I was walking home from junior high and I came upon a loudly crying and tear soaked, I’m guessing, nine-year old little girl. Of course my first thought was are my guy friends watching me. To be near a crying girl would be enough for my junior high friends to conger up stupid stories for the next morning’s idle time at our nutrition break. Charlie made a little girl cries. He must have hit her. Charlie was seen standing next to a crying grade schooler. Charlie has a nine year old girlfriend.” Etc etc. You get the picture.
But anyway, before I could do or say anything she blubbered out that she was lost. She went on to say she had started that day at a new school in a new neighborhood and was lost and could I help her find her way home. All the while rubbing her eyes with the backs of her hands. Just drenched in tears running down her dress. So I had a rare lucid moment and asked her if she knew her address. Yes she said while sniveling and brushing away tears. She told me she lived on Seventh Street. Something like 112 South Seventh Street. Being a person knowing north from south, I knew exactly where she lived. However, she was way off track. So I told her to just follow me. And I mean follow me at a reasonable distance. Fearing my whacky guy friends might see us both together. Laughing and pointing. “Look at Charlie and his little crying sister!” Hoot! Hoot!
So we set out to find her house and walking at a brisk pace. Taking notice that she was following me and most of all no teen boys were in the territory. So we crossed a few residential streets and one major boulevard and headed east until we came to Seventh Street. I arrived at the corner of Whittier Blvd. and seventh a few paces ahead of her and pointed south. She took notice of the street and shouted, “There’s my house” and took off running. Boy! What a relief to send her away. Most of all no guy friends are nearby.
However, in retrospect, I feel this was one of my greatest accomplishments. Helping a lost child find her way back home. But it took me another ten years or so to come to this conclusion. Glad to help. Never mind she didn’t even say thanks. But the two of us were just callow thankless kids seeking out our own welfare. Oh well.
Probably the most important Book Report ever.
This book report is about the iconic and most cherished comic strip that influenced more lives than all the entire Sunday Funnies combined. Peanuts. At least that’s what I think. This is a compellation of essays from authors, journalist, and cartoonist. And what the Charles M. Schulz Peanuts comic strip meant to them in their early years and how it influenced their persona. For example, the author and essayists Ann Patchett’s essay was more able to face rejection when submitting her book manuscript after reading the many lives of Snoopy. “It was a dark and stormy night” Snoopy would bang out on his typewriter sitting atop his dog house. Then submit his writings and wait patiently near the mail box. Only to read mostly rejection form letters from publishers. From this Snoopy drama Patchett knew she was not alone in this writer’s endless grinding pursuit.
Other essay writers that contribute to this book spoke of identifying with certain Peanuts characters and a few essayists dove deeper into a Peanut’s character psyche while attempting to explain a character’s foibles and what had animated their presents in the Schulz comic strip. Then how the essayists identified with each Peanuts character. There are about 30-essays.
But anyway the title of the book is: The Peanut Papers, writers and cartoonist on Charlie Brown, Snoopy and the gang, and the meaning of life. By Andrew Blauner, non-fiction essays, 2019
Here is the Library of Congress annotation:
Collection of thirty-three essays by writers and artists reflecting on the influence of the Peanuts comic on their lives. In “You’re Weird, Sir,” Jennifer Finney Boylan examines her life as a closeted transgender person and the comfort she derived from reading Peanuts and, in particular, the character of Pig Pen.
Again the book is “The Peanuts Papers by Andrew Blauner. A fun and most interesting read. Read it. You’ll like it.
Poet? Not me.
I write poetry but am not a poet.
I am an Okie who writes things and stuff. Hopefully things and stuff that makes some kind of sense. However I am not good at making things and stuff rhyme. I’m more of a free verse kind of guy.
None the less my things and stuff is only as good as my spell checker. I’m no good at spelling and my grammar is more worser. You know what I mean?
However, sometimes I write little limericks just like the old Burma Shave signs. You know
He bought a Ford.
It was not fast
His girlfriend loved it.
They had a blast.
Are you following me? But that is the only rhymes I write.
But here is a more recent rendering:
Hold her close.
By Charles Oldenfatt
She had young smooth skin.
Skin so supple and soft.
Most people want to touch her.
Hold her
And embrace this lovely flower.
To hold her is like
Caressing sweet fruit
Off the vine.
Tender, voluptuous, and something
One would want to hold
From top to Bottom.
Side to side.
She is our state Fruit.
She’s a watermelon fresh off the vine.
Red, juicy, and seedless.
Charles and his lovely wife live in Stillwater, Oklahoma. Just down the road from OSU. Go Cowboys!
See what I mean. Not a poet.
Come Saturday mornings.
Saturday was shopping day in East L. A.
Shopping day for our Okie family. I can vividly remember pressing my six-year-old Okie nose and curious fingers up against the cold display glass. Glass in front of the butcher counter shielding cuts of meat away from others and including myself. Keeping cold in the display case and prohibiting busy little fingers from ever reaching in. But why would I want to reach in at that messy stuff? But anyway large chunks of meat and fish lay lifeless upon crushed ice. Ice sitting inside borders of green lettuce looking plastic dividers. All orderly and smartly on display by the butchering staff. Round steak, pork chops, T-bone, New York strip, ground round, and my least favorite, cow’s liver. Yes, liver. How awful it was.
As I stood there with my mom white coated butchers with blood stains on their white aprons were jitterbugging hurriedly around each other shuttling from slicing machines then back to the customer. At least a dozen or more shoppers would be waiting patiently after taking a number to take turns choosing their meat or cheese preferences. Butchers taking plastic numbers from customers then hurriedly grabbing or slicing and wrapping customer’s meat orders. The butcher shop was inside one of East Los Angeles’ first supermarkets on Whittier Boulevard next door to the See’s Candy shop. This was probably about 1950 and during one of our weekly weekend market outings. And it was either go inside with my mom and dad or stay in the car along with my bossy older brother and sister. Eventually we kids would yell at each other and saying over and over again, “I’m telling mom on you!” Not sure which was worse? Staying in the car or slowly and methodically forever buying groceries with my mom. To a six-year old boy it seemed interminable. Thought it would never end before sundown.
But anyway back in the grocery store at the butcher counter and lying out atop a bed of crushed ice were various cuts of beef, pork, chicken, and fish. My most favorites to look at were cow’s tongue. No wonder cows chewed so much. It took them forever to pass food past such a huge chunk of tongue. My next favorite was observing pig’s feet. I can’t imagine eating such a dreadful looking thing. Although, it would possibly be better than eating elephant’s feet. Wouldn’t you think possibly? Makes sense to me. And there were cow brains, pig innards, chicken gizzards, and more less delectable eatings. However, the one thing on ice I thought a bit scary was, whole fish laying on their side with eyes wide open and staring straight up at me. I’m pretty sure they were dead but staring as if to say, it’ freezing here. Please rescue me. Take me back to the L a river and toss me back in. But wait, there was seldom if ever any water in the concrete L A River.
None the less, my mom would order up two pounds of sliced bologna, a one pound chunk of American cheese that the butchers would slice. Slice from a big long tube of baloney and from a long square of cheese. Then order a couple of whole chicken fryers. All neatly wrapped up in white butcher paper and ready to take home for the coming week’s dinners and lunches. And the whole shopping experience was designed so we California Okies wouldn’t have to butcher up our own chickens back home in the backyard. Our neighbors frankly didn’t like our processing of our own backyard chickens back by the white picket fence bobbing headless chickens in a tub of boiling water. Not a pretty sight. Not to mention the horrific smell.
But as time passed all of this butchery and shopping was pre-wrapped and put in a convenient frozen food display cabinet or freezer section. All pre-cut and wrapped in a paper tray and wrapped in cellophane. No bothering with a blood stained butcher. Just grab your pig’s feet and go.
How to feed college kids.
I live in a college town.
And I’m not a student. Just a retired guy. None the less I live in a bustling and busy town of post secondary students. As witnessed by others and me have notice about thirty-thousand teens and post teens shuffling about. Moving about on foot, on electric scooters, and motorbikes. All with one thing in common. They are frequently hungry and looking for something to relieve their pangs. I have baked dozens and dozens of cookies and have given them to a local church for their one-day-a-week college feed. Glad to do it.
But here is the true appearance of a hungry college town. In our university municipality there is a strip of well traveled land known as Perkins Avenue. Guess what’s along this thoroughfare. You guessed it, fast food. Every fried food franchise imaginable. From Asian tacos to McDonalds. And every walk-in and drive-thru franchised known to humankind. Taco Bell, Arby’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, IHOP, Jimmy’s Egg, KFC, Chick-Fa-lay, Panera, and about twenty or thirty more. Plus dozens of local owned fast fooders. All mostly on this one stretch of road.
What these fast-food flippers all have in common is they are hurting for hired help. Shorthanded or under staffed. Possibly slowing down their food delivery time or having to cut their open hours. I don’t think it is a shortage of workers but workers not willing to work. I wouldn’t work for minimum wage either.
But here is my assessment of this whole fast food thing. In our smallish burg and maybe in other dwellings of education there are too many fast fooders. We have too many franchisers and not enough workers. And as mentioned, workers not willing to work for low wages. They could however hire foreign nationals but it is most important they speak English. Many don’t. But the big bottom line is we have too many fast food joints none the less. How many burger purveyors do we need here? How many chicken kitchens do we need here? How many sandwich shops and delis do we need here? How many burrito wrappers do we need here? My guess is about half as much. I am almost certain we could get by with fewer fast food franchises on feeders and eaters row. And all of this is to not mention the on campus cafeterias and on-campus franchises and dozens of marauding food trucks. How could this over satuated flood of food possibly make any money? Way too much competition and too small of a profit margin. I guess I don’t know and for certain, I really don’t care. Somehow back in my early college life I learned to live on under cooked and over seasoned cafeteria food. Such as it was. But hey, I live through it all.
Bumper to bumper.
Bumper sticker.
Fear not. I am not texting. This is my electric shaver. Got to look good at work.
Bumper sticker.
This is interesting. Lots of drivers using sign language to express their true feelings.
Bumper sticker.
Honk if you are a Republican. Ask the bus driver to honk if you are a Democrat.
Bumper sticker.
How do they do that? People picking their nose while wearing a mask.
Bumper sticker.
What you see in my hand is not a cell phone. It’s just a carton of peach yogurt I’m eating.
Bumper sticker.
The reason I’m driving this Black and White cruiser is because all the BMWs were taken this morning.
Bumper sticker.
Please do not honk. I’m changing my sleeping baby daughter’s diaper while steering. It’s not easy.
Bumper sticker.
When you stop honking pass me on the left. I want to show you something. It’s in my hand.
Bumper sticker.
Only morons and jet fighter pilots honk in heavy traffic.
Bumper sticker:
Recent clinical studies indicate horn honking is the result of a sociopathic condition brought on by insecurity, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, and extreme pathological whining.
Bumper sticker.
I’m a traffic reporter for WHIZ New York. How did I get on the 405?
You should whisper when holding an iPhone.
Is this 1984 revisited?
Not only do walls have ears but so do iPhones. Many times while grazing through Facebook I had come across subject matter that was part of a discussion wife and I had previous. Thinking maybe just coincidence it shows up as an ad on Facebook. I know we had discussions about hearing aids and later came three different Facebook ads for hearing aids. Coincidence? Not sure.
Then there was a discussion I had with a gentleman friend about his being on the county Board of Adjustments. All the while I had my iPhone in my shirt pocket. Then low and behold here comes a Facebook ad a few days later for the same county board of adjustments. Coincidence? Nope!
Facebook and iPhone is listening. They know who you are. They have electronic ears listening to all your conversations. Creepy and spooky. Possibly giving you the right to take a heavy-headed hammer to its fragile face. POW! Smash! Tinkle-crinkle. So there you are freaking spy.
The stranger in the life boat.
Book report.
I try to stay away from religious stories advertised as a novel. However this story caught my attention because of its event filled narrative. A book that grabs your wavering faith. What is truth? What is fiction. What does this author know that others seem to ignore? This is not one of those Left Behind books describing the ‘saved’ whisked away to heaven leaving clothes and personal belongings behind.
The book, “The stranger in the life boat” by Mitch Albom, religious fiction Bestseller 2021.
A large pleasure boat out at sea with notables and celebrities on board and eventually explodes and sinks. After which starts the story with nine survivors in a rubber life raft. A raft drifting aimlessly with few paddles and many sharks swimming nearby. A few days adrift the motley crew finds a man treading water and the churning waves and pulls him onboard. Asked his name and he says he is “The Lord.” And he continues, “Believe in me and you will be saved.” A proclamation receive by the surviving crew with some astonishment and mostly disbelief. And so the story is framed and continues.
Here is the Library of Congress annotation:
Adrift in a raft after a deadly ship explosion, nine people struggle for survival. Short on water, food and hope, they spot a man floating in the waves. When they pull him in, he claims to be “the Lord” and says he can only save them if they believe in him.
The audiobook version is read by Mitch Albom. I must admit he is a good voice actor. However the print version should keep your attention. It is a short read. Read it. You just might like it.
Again, “The stranger in the life boat” by Mitch Albom, 2021.